The 1st Affair
A married man was having an
affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his
shoes
outside and rub them in the
grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove
home.
'Where have you been?' his wife
demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes
and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two
beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a
son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and
delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest
child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way
I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around
behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and
replied:
'No, not this timeâ €¦!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late
one night.
He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private
part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the
mortician commented, 'I can't
allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private
part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into
his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show, you
won't believe,
' he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her
lover when she
heard her husband opening the
front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the
corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over
him,
then dusted him with talcum
powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she
said.
'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband
inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I
liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to
bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got
up, went to the kitchen and
returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have
this.
I stood like that for two days at
the Smiths
and nobody offered me a
damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a
beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed..
He glanced at the menu and
asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this
place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs,
with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he
doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his
business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at
the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must
confess¦'
'There's no need to, 'his wife
replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in
peace.
I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your
mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just
rest and let the poison work.'.
A married man was having an
affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his
shoes
outside and rub them in the
grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove
home.
'Where have you been?' his wife
demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes
and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two
beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a
son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and
delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest
child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way
I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around
behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and
replied:
'No, not this timeâ €¦!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late
one night.
He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private
part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the
mortician commented, 'I can't
allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private
part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into
his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show, you
won't believe,
' he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her
lover when she
heard her husband opening the
front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the
corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over
him,
then dusted him with talcum
powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she
said.
'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband
inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I
liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to
bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got
up, went to the kitchen and
returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have
this.
I stood like that for two days at
the Smiths
and nobody offered me a
damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a
beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed..
He glanced at the menu and
asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this
place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs,
with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he
doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his
business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at
the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must
confess¦'
'There's no need to, 'his wife
replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in
peace.
I slept with your sister, your
best friend,
her best friend, and your
mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just
rest and let the poison work.'.
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